Washington – John Doe was seen flying on a broomstick, yesterday night, blocking traffic, traumatizing children and shocking the public.
He was flying over the city singing dirty pub songs and flying over his ex-girlfriends’ houses to “call them names,” said one woman, who declined to be named but who said she had only recently broken up with the airborne Lothario.
In fact, she suggested that she may have been the cause of Doe’s broomstick escapade, as she left him for a guy that he claimed looked just like Draco Malfoy. Sources confirm that Doe had taken to calling this particular ex-girlfriend “She Who Must Not Be Named,” in homage to Lord Voldemort.
But other acquaintances claimed that Doe had long been obsessed with Harry Potter and had been looking for a way to apply a NOS container (think Fast and Furious) to his broomstick, to make it fly.
It seemed as if his theory had worked, until the gas tank began to overheat, and the broomstick caught on fire. A few people claimed they had seen a shooting star — but the shooting star was screaming. It later was revealed that the “shooting star” in fact was John Doe falling off his flaming, flying broomstick.
From his hospital bed, where he was recovering from a broken leg, Doe declared: “I’m better than Harry Potter! I’m so much better than Harry Potter!”
Doe is now trying to fabricate a magic potion he says will make it impossible to break up with him.