Washington – Shocking news today when John Doe had a violent allergic reaction on a commuter train.
It appears that the reaction was caused by a bunch of school kids who, brainwashed by the Internet, were talking ignorantly about girls, alcohol, and why Justin Bieber was a better musician than David Bowie.
Within minutes of his exposure to the group, Doe started sneezing and his eyes became red. As they continued with their mindless dialogue, his hands began to itch. By the time one of the teenagers said, “I don’t know what the big deal is about David Bowie, anyway. He looks like a wimp,” Doe began convulsing violently. He was taken out of the train, and an ambulance was called.
“It almost looked like he was going into anaphylactic shock,” said the nurse who treated Doe. “I’d say, hoping not to jump to conclusions too quickly, that Doe is allergic to idiocy.”
Doctors who have been treating Doe have observed that his symptoms appear to increase depending on his exposure to different types and severity of idiocy.
“He was put in a room with a fashion blogger, and he had a breathing distress for five hours after they talked,” said Dr. Claus von Vectern, his primary physician. “When he was forced to share a room with a creationist and believer in the so-called Prosperity Gospel, he developed a skin condition which lasted for days.”
Studies continue, as scientists struggle to find a cure. Until then, Doe appears to be condemned to a life of suffering, given the unprecedented number of complete idiots living in these modern times.